Dear Jace,
I don't even know why I'm writing this. I've started it four times and deleted it four times because I don't know how to say it without sounding like a monster.
I love my wife. I need you to believe that before you read the rest of this, because I need to believe it too.
I can't touch her anymore without picturing someone else.
Another woman. Someone real, someone I actually know, not some stranger or fantasy I made up — that's what makes it so much worse.
I don't know if it's just about sêx, I'm not sure anymore.
It's just that my own mind won't let me be present with the person I married. I have to go somewhere else in my head just to feel anything.
I have to picture myself with the other woman doing so many things before I can perform with my wife, and then I hate myself the second after, every single time.
I can't even get it up until I see myself doing things to the woman then I can get it up. Touching my wife in places just doesn't work unless I think of this woman.
My wife has no idea what I'm going through. She reaches for me and I go through with it and she has no idea that I'm not fully there, that I've had to trick myself into it.
I've become good at hiding it and that fact alone makes me sick. What kind of husband does that.
I don't know when it started. I don't know if it's about her, or about me getting older and scared and numb, or about this other woman specifically, or if it would've been anyone who made me feel something again.
I keep trying to reason my way out of it and I can't.
I'm not writing because I want permission to keep doing this. I'm writing because I'm exhausted from carrying it alone and I don't know if this is fixable or if I've already started ending my marriage without telling my wife it's happening.
Please just tell me if people come back from this.
I'm trying not to wreck what I have for what I don't have.
0 Comments